By Tatum Jenkins
The album Punisher by Phoebe Bridgers is more than an apocalyptic dream. It’s a reflection of what lies deepest in me, what I fear most, and what I desire deep down. Instead of hiding it, I’ve decided to share those demons with you all in the form of song-poems. I call them song-poems because they live in a space between poetry and music – lyrics without the music to make them songs. Each poem is labeled by the song I wrote it after and is followed by my favorite lyric from that song.
DVD Menu
I always picture the scariest thing might be the monster under my bed
Or a man with a knife
Or the ghost that lives in my attic
But then I imagine if my brother died last spring
Or if my friend had a hospital visit that never ended
Or if that man that motioned at me in the dark at that concert had grabbed me instead
That’s what I imagine real fear tastes like
Garden Song - “You should see it, I mean thousands”
When I was younger
I used to wear basketball shorts
I was supposed to be 5’9’’, at least that’s what the doctor said
Now I’m 5’6’’ and I don’t feel any older
And those shorts are in the trash
Growing old isn’t pretty
I wish the minutes didn’t pass me by so quickly
Maybe then I’d have the time to be grateful
Like when we drove down that beach highway to nowhere
You called it “heaven” and I guess that’s true
Because where else could you find so much sun and nothing dead
I wish I could think of hell instead
I’m only nineteen and I still believe
Something out there is going to save me
But now I’m stuck in my hometown
I guess I’ll just drive around and wait it out
I know these streets so well
They feel like poetry running through my wheels
Pour oil on my childhood
Watch it erupt
I bought a pair of boxer shorts
The memory of smooth polyester
Is better than the cotton on my thighs
As much as I love the past
I want it to die
Kyoto - “Twenty-five felt like flying”
I remember Bon Iver in December
Your eyes on mine in September
It all felt like forever
But even eternity has an end
They take the Christmas lights off the trees in front of my dorm
They move to the West Coast looking for better days
You don’t see the empty spaces
Until it’s midnight in the library
And the weight of everyone who’s left feels so heavy
But I can never look at the sky the same once you pointed out the clouds
Walking down Boylston, the cold coming down
And I can never say “I love you” without meaning it now
I guess you had a way of changing me somehow
Punisher - “What if I told you I feel like I know you? But we never met”
Walking down a main street in my town
It was fall and you were there
A ghost from the nineties
But you still haunt the screens
How is it you managed to find me?
Darlin’ won’t you stand by me?, he croons
Cherry blossoms shedding all over the highway that spring
Everytime that song plays, it makes me think of you
Oh please don’t let it be true
The pavement against the heat of your cheeks outside of a fucking club
It was Halloween
I hope you didn’t lay there long
Johnny shut it down for two days
But the cameras don’t catch a break
Even during a holiday
Promised I’d visit the spot when I could
Drive down to the ruins
Stand across the street and cry as leaves dry in the gutter
You feel so close, almost like a lover
You were born in the summer
Golden hair
You got that Leo look
Showed your brother Raging Bull
Now he’s talking about you on a stage
Tragedy builds a legacy fame could never
I hope when you’re gone, it’s not for forever
Halloween - “I used to joke if they woke you up, somebody better be dying”
I wore white lingerie on Halloween
And I loved the way his eyes lingered on my skin in that basement
I get too drunk on control
Pull the trigger
Crash too hard into what I really want
I wake up tasting blood in my nightmares
Can’t admit that you’re the subject of my dreams
Few and far between, but still so real
When my brother’s friend smokes, it reminds me of you
Curls in the spaces of my best friend’s car
I think I’ll always love you from afar
10PM in a hospital
They think it’s something to do with his appendix
His family can’t reach him from Chicago
So we sit with him instead
Laugh about the drawings on the walls
And how we’re not gonna make any money
Wish they’d put moments like these in the movies
Never yell “cut” so we could talk all night long
I can’t seem to remember where the film ends
Burn marks on the negatives
If I can’t hold onto the past
I light it up
Plug into the wall like a Christmas tree
Adorn it with lies
Strip it down and touch the sharp edges
Chinese Satellite - “I wish I wrote it, but I didn’t so I learned the words”
Can you replace nine years with a song?
I think you drive because you don’t know what to say
Watch the sunset behind the trees
I wish I knew how it felt when you weren’t around
But swingsets could replace a parent somehow
I’ll never forget the first time I saw you cry
You said to me, “Somebody died”
I never saw you like that at the funeral
But I couldn’t say anything because he wasn’t my dad
And I was special, the only girl
I wish I had an apology for my cousins
We all had to deal with too much chemo
Diabetes at Thanksgiving
And cancer at Christmas
When my grandma speaks,
I hope they all listen
I play Dave Matthews Band
He’s surprised that I know them
I love that I can surprise you still
19 years means nothing when you’ve been hiding
Maybe these are the moments that will make up for lost time
Moon Song - “And there’s something I’m supposed to say, but I can’t for the life of me remember what it is”
The one time I believed in magic
Was when the moon turned orange
Ran onto the porch, my brother beside me
It feels like October in August
Pull out your jack-o-lanterns and candy
Keep the skeletons in the closet
It’s time to dress up
Pretend to be someone else for a night
That would be nice
I hate talking to you because so much comes out
But none of it feels true
Like walking the beach and forgetting the ocean
It roars but it’s easy to ignore
That’s what I do when I’m around you
I’m a good liar
At least to myself
Even better when it’s somebody else
But I could never be that way
You see right through it
If only I could too
I’d love to see what your inside looks like
Would it be as strange and gooey as mine?
There’s blood on my hands
I hope it’s yours
You’ve never shown anyone this before
Savior Complex - “All the skeletons you hide; show me yours and I’ll show you mine”
Wind in the trees
Grass beneath my feet
Never has anything felt so easy
I love the nights we end up somewhere
I always end up cleaning the floor
I hope that shows you that I care
I imagine one night I’ll sneak out of the house and go to the beach
I would see us all there, staring out at the waves
Just ghosts of something I can never have again
I always wonder if my friends are real
Or if I’m living in some fucked up dream where I’m winning
Chew me up
Spit me out
There’s no way I’m getting free now
I’ve washed so many dishes here
This is the beginning of so many years
There are so many nights where I can’t sleep
But 2AM with all of you comes with ease
I love to hear you breathing beside me
On the pull out couch
Somewhere in Massachusetts
None of this makes it hurt less
Maybe for once my heart feels like the right size
ICU - “But I feel something when I see you now”
You make me feel like I’m on fire
Too bad I learned that you’re a liar
High at the party when we’re all sober
Saying “someone should tell her the party is over”
My mom said to look out for ones like you
But I can’t help it if I want to fix you
Graceland Too - “Predictably winds up thinking of Elvis and wonders if he believed songs could come true”
My aunt said she died in Alabama
It seems like the saddest place to die
To lay down your lungs and let your spirit fly
Amongst the neglect of the midwest
We never think we’ll end up there until we do
Toledo sounds like a sandstorm
Tornado rising up out of the fields
I wonder if she wants to forget
Or if she sees Ohio in the sky
I promised my neighbor
I’d Kerouac it someday
Write that novel, but I’m no Great American
Stay in a motel, call it home
Work long hours at a diner
Wipe off the tables once the last man has left
Maybe stay and smoke a cigarette
Wait until the trucks have gone to bed
Look out on the plains and see the lights of a ferris wheel
I want to create a world that’s not real
I Know The End - “But you come back with gravity”
I’m not scared of the ocean, I’m scared of lakes
Why look out for sharks when they’ve already caught the bait?
I can’t swim without feeling his dead body following mine
Chained to my ankles as I grasp for land
I never see my own reflection
I just see him, lungs filled with water
Am I a killer?
I watch so many leave
I can’t help but think maybe it’s me
Sometimes I wish I knew him
But I think I just wanted something to grieve over
To not feel like an imposter at the church
They would all point at me and scream
She’s a fake
Let the stained glass windows shatter
Let me see evidence of a god
I’m finding it hard to believe right now
I have this apocalyptic dream
We’d run away to a Costco
Before the undead could get us
Sleep among the mattresses
And feast on perishables
But what if the end isn’t zombies and blood
How will I know where to look?
How do I learn to not fear my last breath?
I guess you don’t
I know he didn’t
read more about Tatum here
read more about Lorelei here