By J. Faith Malicdem // June 11, 2019
It is summer and my house reeks of lavender essential oils and fresh-baked zucchini bread once again. It's the only thing that feels familiar, the only thing reassuring myself that my head is still screwed onto the rest of my body instead of floating around in a flurry of boredom and mishap and disarray. It feels good to have this time to myself. On the contrary, it feels like I'm losing myself to the notion of time running out. Usually I can hold down a tempo pretty well, but now, not so much. Everything is off-beat and dissonant.
I'm doing better. I think everyone I know is. The storm is finally clearing up. But now that it is, what do we do? Where's the rainbow that follows the rainstorm?
Am I just being impatient?
I miss the summers preceding this one.
They felt innocent and lively, jam-packed with events and meetups that were set up so politely. They were so full of love and blithe, but now, the day to day seems to soak up my insides.
Maybe I'm just not being productive or assertive enough, or maybe I don't have enough friends?
Maybe I need a makeover, or need to text Them to make amends?
Will a job make me feel full, though I'm not even close to being half empty?
Or will some time off and in bed deem me as trendy?
There's a pain and confusion that comes with the territory of transitioning, and on top of that, it's harder for joy to transfuse when I'm under a spell of derealization. The Brain Fog.
But I'm trusting the scents of zucchini bread and lavender will wake me up once again
Commentaires